What Really Holds Me Back?

I have laughed at younger people that are determined that they will no longer let the fears and doubts that they learned from their parents hold them back. Why do I laugh? Because at the ripe age of 67, I still have Mommy issues. She has been gone for many years but my mother’s influence on my life and my likes carry on in many areas of my living. Recently, I had to face this truth and decide what I would allow to remain and what needed to be gone forever. I saw that I had let a lifetime of habits go without accountability.

“Blue is one of my least favorite colors.” This quote has come out of my mouth for decades. Which is odd, because I wear a lot of blue clothes, I admire blue cars, I love a clear blue sky or body of water, and much of my home is now decorated in various shades of blue. Really? What am I saying? Oh, yes, my mother, who was the worst when it comes to decorating, had decided that since she was terrible at coordinating colors would stick with one color alone. Blue. Country blue. Dusty blue. Dark blue. Everything was blue. Even her cutlery and dishes were blue. I was appalled at her selections. She would get all insulted and declare, “I like blue!” Obviously. So why am I declaring something that is untrue in my life when living a lie is an attribute I do not want in my walk?

Now I am looking at so many other things in my life and evaluating them as to why I choose to like or dislike them based on things from my past. Music, food, television shows, movies, cars and even people groups have been in my crosshairs, recently, as I evaluate if my point of view is from my mother’s influence or my own values. How will I know? I ask God, of course. Duh.

Here is the problem. I am determined to clear my heart out of all the past that has held me back. I want to be transparent to everyone and especially my Lover, Savior, Friend and Lord. If I allow my life to be ruled by unhealthy choices then I am fighting the very thing I cherish… abandonment. A total transparent vulnerability to my God with no holding back, no excuses, no justifications, no self-preservations and no fear is how I want to roll. But if I allow the pain and abuses from my past to veil my true self I am not being the woman of God that I desire to be. The scripture that I have taken as being my statement of values and goals is Eph.4:15 AMPC (the word “truly” is stressed three times. Truth is the key to my freedom from the past. Truth is the pathway on the journey that lets me walk in Kingdom business in an effective and honoring way. Truth is there for us to apprehend as one of our core values. Truth is a very important foundation. But am I ready to unveil all the lies that the enemy has told me through my life? Am I ready to look at the things that God will reveal to me when I ask Him for clarity about my mother’s influence in my life. Will the truth set me free?

Veils of lies have distorted our view of ourselves for thousands of years. The great men of God whose lives are found in the Bible were constantly being told that God was not enough, not loving, not all powerful, deaf to the needs of His people, and unforgiving by those around them. They doubted their callings, their anointing, their mission, their abilities and their worthiness. The disciples walked with Jesus for three years and they still dealt with fears and doubts. He consistently was encouraging them to discover who they were and their potential. When Jesus instructed them to get in their boat and take Him across the sea, they had no problem believing they could make it. These were fishermen that knew their boats and how to get across to the other side. They also knew the storms and when they were seeing that the storm around them was dangerous, they went to a sleeping Jesus and accused Him of not caring for them. If the disciples had understood who Jesus was and who they were, there would not have feared. They would have laid down next to Jesus and napped also. This is the same mindset that is plaguing us as we set our faces to cross the sea of doubt and disbelief. These veils were put on our heads by Satan to keep us blind to who we are, and Who is in charge. They were placed there so that we would walk ineffectively, with no clarity of the amazing anointing and authority that God has given to each one. So that when we look in a mirror we see cannot see clearly what the Truth is saying. Three scriptures come to mind. One is ICor.13:12 AMPC “For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part(imperfectly),but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].” The second is James 1:23-24 AMPC “For if anyone only listens to the Word without obeying it and being a doer of it, he is like a man who looks carefully at his (own) natural face in a mirror; for he thoughtfully observes himself, and then goes off and promptly forgets what he was like.” Then the third is IICor.3:18 AMPC “ And all of us, as with unveiled face,[because we] continued to behold [in the Word of God] as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever increasing splender and from one degree of glory to another;[for this comes] from the Lord [Who is ] the Spirit.” These scriptures show us the importance of seeing in the mirror correctly. That our reflection tells us much about who we are in Christ.

Here is my question to you. What would you see in the mirror if you were able to rip off all the veils of lies and see yourself as Jesus sees you? How would that change your walk in the Kingdom and being actively about the Father’s business? What would Eph.4:15 mean to you then? The Body is ready for you and I to be assets and a strength beyond anything we have experienced before. It is time for us to fully walk out what we were created to do.

As for the questions I will be asking God about the things that hold me back? I am excited to get on with my journey and be so much more than I am today. Transparent, abandoned, walking truly and enfolded in Love so that my next visit to the mirror will be a mind blower.